Take five !
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.
They'd have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever country's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing country would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after 5 years came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steelbars that were 5 inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a 9-foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the dachshundcame out of his cage and slowly waddled over toward the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of his cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. ""Really", the Americans replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
Source: Yahoo!
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered."
"I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. "When you open them up all their organs are alphabetically ordered." The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians. All their organs are color coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and ass are interchangeable."
Courtesy: usenet
Three worst Chinese torture tests known to man: A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"
The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning"
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost".
Courtesy: ??
There was a father and a son from Arkansas. The son went to school and was taught the alphabet. Everyone in the class can only go all the way to the letter m or so. However, the son repeated the alphabet two times in twenty minutes, the best in the class. Then he went back home and told his father the great news. The son said, "I can do the alphabet two times straight!" The father said, "It's because you're from Arkansas, son."
The next day, the son went to school again. While everyone in class can't add 1 + 1, the son was just able to solve it by using his toes. Then he went back home and told his father the great news. The son said, "I can solved 1 + 1 with my toes!" The father said, "It's because you're from Arkansas, son."
The next day, the son went to school again. Today, they will be doing some running. After the jog, the boys went to shower. The son relized that his dingy was like ten times bigger than all the other classmates. Then he went back home and asked his father, "Dad, my dingy is like ten times bigger than my schoolmates. Is it because I'm from Arkansas?" The father said, "No, son, it's because you're eighteen."